Find myself again
by DadaLovesCB
Summary: When Serena returns from her trip with Dan, she realizes they cannot waste any more time. But, are they on the same page? Is it really what they want? Story set after the season 6 finale.
1. Chapter 1

Serena left the Van der Woodsen's penthouse with a smile on her face. The sun was shining and it was another hot summer day on the Upper East Side. She had eaten breakfast with Lily and Rufus and was now on her way to her best friend's town house.

She just couldn't take the smile off her face as she walked down the street, looking for a taxi.

"Serena," she heard the familiar voice coming from behind her and turned to see her beautiful friend Nate Archibald through his town car window. "I see you're back from your little trip with Dan."

"Nate! Yeah, I'm back. We're back. Dan and I, I mean." She said and shook her head, laughing at her muddled words. "Where are you going?"

"Lunch at the Waldorf-Bass town house." Nate said. "Henry asked me to go and I just couldn't say no."

"He has everyone wrapped around his cute little finger, doesn't he?"

"He does. And where are you going?" he raised an eyebrow at her.

"Same place as you. Would you mind to give me a ride?" she asked and bit her lip.

"Not at all. Get in." he opened the door from inside and she entered the car.

"Thank you, Nate."

"It's really nothing," he gave her a half smile."So, uh, how was it? I mean, your trip."

"It was good." she looked up at him and grinned. "Great, actually. Dan and I went to Paris. It was really fun."

"So, you two are in this for good this time, huh?"

She stopped breathing for a second.

"Yeah, I guess. We're working things out." she looked away trying to avoid any eye contact that could denounce her thoughts.

"Serena, you've been working things out for the past 5 years. Is it really what both of you want?"

"Nate!" Serena shook her head in disapproval. "Don't. Just... don't."

"You're my friend and I care about you, Serena." he said as he touched the naked skin of her arm.

Serena just shook her head again, the cheerfulness she was feeling ten minutes before had suddenly dissapeared. And what bothered her the most was that Nate was right. It had already passed five years and they were still "working things out".

She didn't like to think about it. She simply chose to ignore the fact that they weren't even together to start with. It was just so much easier to pretend everything was worked out and they were going to live happily ever after.

Their unplanned trip really made her feel hopeful. She even thought that Dan was about to take a step forward in their relationship.

But she was wrong.

All they did was stroll in the city, and later she found out they were there only because Dan needed inspiration for his new writing.

She hadn't said anything. Even though she was totally pissed at him in that moment. At least he had invited her.

Earlier in the morning when he'd kissed her accidentaly, she felt like she was going to explode in happiness. And he hadn't apologized as he used to. But now she just couldn't help feeling like it meant nothing to him. Or at least less than it meant to her.

"Serena, I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you." Nate said in a low tone.

Serena sighed and looked up at him. Her eyes met his gaze and she smiled at him in acknowledgement.

"It's okay, Nate. I'm fine, really."

She looked away again, silence growing heavy between them.

"We're here." Nate broke the silence once again. "Shall we?"

"Yeah, sure."


	2. Chapter 2

"Serena, Nate! Nice to see you two. How was your trip, S?" Blair hugged her best friend and then turned to Nate. "Chuck and Henry are waiting for you in the backyard. You better hurry, Henry is already getting annoyed."

"My boy is moody today?" Nate asked.

Serena smiled.

Nate seemed to be happy with his life. And that included Henry.

She never thought he would have this kind of relationship with Blair and Chuck's kid. Never thought the opposite, but it was just really cute to see them playing together. Nate looked like a kid when he was with Henry.

"Oh, hey, Monkey!" she heard him greeting his friend's dog as he walked towards the backyard.

Blair waited until she couldn't see Nate anymore to turn to Serena again, with an excited look.

"So..." Blair suggested and raised an eyebrow at Serena.

"What?" Serena asked and blinked in confusion.

"So, you spent a week with your boyfriend-"

"Dan's not my boyfriend." Serena interjected.

Blair sighed and rolled her eyes. "Whatever." she gestured, her hands in the air as she tried to remember what she was about to say. "You spent a week in nowhere other than Paris with Humphrey. You two. All alone. Do you really expect me to believe-"

"Nothing happened." Serena said.

"Would you please stop interrupting me?" Blair asked and huffed.

"B, are you okay? You seem... agitated." Serena took a strand of Blair's hair and smiled softly at her friend.

"I know what you're doing. Asking about me so I won't ask about you." Blair shook her head. "Don't change the subject."

Serena looked away and gulped. Blair wouldn't stop until she'd said everything.

"Nothing happened, B. I swear."

"Serena," Blair said in a subdued tone. "Don't you think it's taking too long?"

"We're working on things, Blair. He needs some time. You waited for Chuck and I'll wait for Dan to be ready." She whispered.

"S, what if-"

"Auntie Serena is back!" Henry screamed and ran to his aunt's arms.

Serena turned away from Blair to catch the five-year-old kid running in her direction.

He'd grown. He didn't have a baby face anymore and he looked a bit taller. His hair was longer than usual, and certainly longer than Serena ever thought that Blair would let. He was wearing a blue shirt with a cartoon character on it and jeans.

He hugged her and she lifted his feet off the ground and spun him around.

"Henry!" she hugged him back and placed a soft kiss on his dark hair. "I missed you so much, sweetheart."

"I missed you too, auntie S." he whispered and then let go of her hug. "Mom said that you and Dan were in Paris."

"Yes, we were. How is it going here? Did I miss much?" She asked and he chuckled.

How could a kid be so sweet? He was a cutie and had everyone wrapped around his little finger since the very first time they saw him.

He had Chuck's hair and his deep dark eyes were like Blair's. It was incredible to see all the similarities. Henry was the perfect combination of them.

"Daddy took me to the zoo yesterday." He informed. "It was reeeeeally nice."

Serena laughed at his facial expression. He had the funniest.

"It sounds really cool. What did you-"

"Henry, what were you doing?" Blair asked. "Look at you! Your hair is all messed up and... look at your clothes! Go clean up with your father before lunch."

Blair looked at him fiercely and Henry rolled his dark eyes at her. "Don't roll eyes at me, Bass!"

He smirked and looked up at Serena, who gave him a little smile.

"I'll help you, Henry." She said and turned to Blair again.

"We aren't done." Blair warned.

"I know," Serena answered as she followed Henry to his room.

* * *

"So, what you wanna wear?" Serena asked from inside the closet.

"The red shirt." Henry lazily answered against the pillows.

Serena shook her head as she looked for a red shirt in the huge closet. There were tons of red shirts and tons of blue shirts and tons of grey shirts and many other colors and types. There was a special place for his bow ties, which were organized in a pattern of color.

She rolled her eyes. It had to be Chuck's son.

She made her way out of the closet and stopped next to Henry's bed.

"Which one? Do you happen to know that you have tons of red skirts?" She said and smiled at him, laying on the bed.

"I don't wear skirts, auntie S." He laughed.

Serena looked at him a pretended to be thinking for a minute. "Oh, don't you?" she questioned him with a serious tone. "But you'd look so good in skirts. I have some from when I was little, maybe you could borrow them and-"

"Skirts are for girls. I'm a boy." he protested angrily and crossed his arms on his chest.

Serena stared at him and he glanced back at her, the anger taking over his facial expression.

"What?" he finally asked.

She suddenly pulled him to her and lifted him up again, spinning him around and falling on the cold floor, seconds later, laughing and breathless.

"I don't wear skirts!" Henry screamed again, but now laughing hysterically.

"I know you don't, silly." she said and kissed his cheek. "Now you better get dressed before your mother comes up here."

Henry rolled his eyes and huffed.

"Why are you huffing, little Bass?" Serena asked softly.

"She's boring these days." he said, looking down and sighing.

"Why you say that?"

Now she was really worried. Henry never cried for nothing, and his eyes were full of tears. Something had to be terribly wrong.

"What happened?" she took his hand and caressed his cheek.

"She hasn't played with daddy and I for a whole week and... I think she doesn't like me anymore, auntie S." he declared and the tears fell down his plump cheeks.

"Of course she still likes you. She loves you, Henry. Maybe she's just nervous or a little agitated, but she'll never stop loving you. She's your mother. Don't cry over that, okay? I know she's never gonna stop loving you." She hugged him. "And no one's ever gonna love you more than you mom and your dad do."

"What about you? And uncle Nate? You two don't love me?" Henry asked with a confused tone.

"Of course we 're our little boy. But what I meant is: your father and your mother will always love you more than anyone." Serena explained as she walked inside the closet again and grabbed a red shirt and new pants for him.

"Auntie S, will you ever have kids?" Henry suddenly asked.

Serena gave him the new clothes and sat by his side again.

"I plan on having kids one day. But only when the right time comes. Why the question?"

"I don't have a cousin. I'd like to have one." he shrugged. "When will you and Dan get married?"

"What?" Serena asked, laughing at his questions.

He was so smart for a five-year-old kid.

"Get married, like mommy and daddy." He said and gestured, as if it was obvious.

"I don't know sweetheart. Maybe you should ask Dan." She looked up at him and he raised an eyebrow at her. "What?"

"I don't like him." he admited.

Serena blinked in shock. "Why not?"

"He's not as cool as uncle Nate. And his hair and clothes are ridiculous."

"Okay," she rolled her eyes. "Let's go, I'm starving."

She picked him up.

"I'm already five, auntie S. I can walk." Henry said.

"I know, but we don't want you to mess up your clothes and hair." Serena said as she walked out of his room.

* * *

_**Hello y'all. How am I doing? LOL Thank you for the reviews, means a lot to me. Next chapter will come out soon. Warning: There will be some DS next chapter. Love y'all.**_

_**XOXO Daphne.**_


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey" Serena entered the warm loft and stood by the door.

Dan was sitting on the couch with the computer on his lap. He was wearing the same shirt and pants since morning and his hair was a total mess.

He turned to the door and smiled when he saw her.

"Serena," he said as he got up and walked towards her.

He'd said her name in such a soft tone that left her no other option but smile back at him.

He had a tired expression on his face, she could say from his stare- eyes unfocused, blinking every now and then as if trying to get rid of the sleep- that he'd been writing all day. He seemed to be in another world when he was writing, a completely different universe.

"Hello, Mr. Writer. Writing much?" she asked and made her way in, her purse hanging by her side as she looked back at him and smiled.

"Yes, actually. I'm close to the... end." he put his hands on his face and shook his head. "Sorry, uh, you wanna eat something?"

"I'm fine."

"I thought you were sleeping at Blair's?" he questioned her and sat on the couch again.

"Well, Blair is moody today. I figured it would be better to just leave her and Chuck alone for the night."

"What about Henry?" he gestured towards the couch beside him and Serena slid onto it.

"He's with Nate." she left her purse on the floor and placed both hands on her lap.

Silence stretched out between them for a moment. Dan opened his mouth to say something but ended up just sighing.

Serena looked at him from the corner of the eye, trying to read him.

She didn't succeed.

It used to be so easy for her to read Dan, she knew him so well.

Things had changed, a lot had happened, but still, it hurt her the fact that she wasn't capable of understanding him in the same way she did before.

He shifted position on the couch and took her hands on his own. The way her nails

absently digged into his skin, even if gently, gave him chills.

"Serena, I'm almost done with this book. I promise." he said and she looked up at the light, doing her best not to let the tears fall down.

She couldn't cry. _No_. She'd come here to face him, to ask him to make a move. She couldn't cry, it would make her look weak and she didn't want that. She didn't want to be a weak person.

She gulped. _I can do this_, she thought.

"You said the same thing about the last one, Dan. I need to know if you mean it this time. Because you're doing something with your life but," she paused and looked at him. "the last five years of my life were based on the idea of you!"

He froze. His own words from five years before echoing in the back of his mind.

"I need something to look forward to. I need to know for sure, if that's really what you want. I need to know that you're not gonna dump me at the first mistake I make." she said, the tears she was holding back finally falling down her cheeks and dropping soundlessly on the couch.

Dan shook his head frantically. "I'm not gonna dump you!"

"How will I know you mean it?" she offered and he looked down at their fingers twisting together.

He remained silent for a moment. Where? How? When everything started to go so wrong to them? God, he'd been such an asshole.

They stared at each other again for what seemed to be an eternity, lips inches apart, breaths mixing due the proximity.

"I-I love you." he whispered before taking a deep breath.

Serena looked down again and sighed.

She loved him too, but that wasn't much of a guarantee.

"Maybe," her voice was almost inaudible as she shook her head, struggling to say what she'd been keeping for herself. "Maybe love is not enough."

Dan blinked in shock. "What?" he managed to ask.

"Don't get me wrong, I love you. And I know you love me too, but... you've always been my first option, Dan." she declared. Their eyes met once again and the breath caught up in her throat. "I would do anything for you. I would throw everything away to be with you. But it's not the same for you."

"What do you mean? I've always loved you, Serena." he said in a subdued tone as he touched her cheek.

"I wish it was true, but it's not." she whispered and wiped away a tear with the back of her hand.

"I don't understand." he threw his head back with a mirthless laugh.

"Dan, when I came back from boarding school you were the only person who believed in me. You saw the person I wanted to be, and believed I could actually become that person. You made me a better person. Actually, I did that myself. Because you motivated me. You made me see that I was worth the fight." she paused for a brief moment and smiled at him. "You became the most important thing in my life. And I genuinely thought that you felt the same way."

"And I did. Serena, you-"

"Let me finish!" she pressed two fingers on his mouth. "I thought you felt the same way I did, and you proved me right. I screwed things up many times, but you were always there. Until..." she sighed. "I don't really know what happened, Dan. You went from "I love you" to "I couldn't care less about you" in a blink of an eye, and you broke my heart."

And there was the silence again. And so were her tears. And all the hurt and pain she'd felt when he didn't say he loved her back, when he declared his "unconditional" love for her best friend, when he started dating Blair, when he dumped her after having sex with her...

"I thought it was all forgiven?" Dan broke the excruciating silence between them.

She looked away and bit her lip nervously, trying to find the best words to explain what she was feeling.

She had forgiven him, even before they first talked about it. Sometimes it scared her how she would give up on everything for him. Even if it was her own dignity.

So, if it was all forgiven, then why she had brought it up? Why she just couldn't get rid of all those painful memories? Why she was so... scared?

"It is," she said softly. "But... But it's not forgotten. I just can't forget."

Dan shook his head and huffed. "So, here we are, Serena. You can't forget my past actions. I didn't expect this. Not from you."

"It's what you did to me in the past!" she shouted out and got up in a hurry. "I think I should go. Goodbye, Dan."

She stepped out of the loft. Her head was spinning. She wanted to be angry. She _needed _ to be angry. At least for once.

"Serena, wait!" Dan held her arm, stopping her from taking another step.

"What?" she asked as she turned to face him again.

"You forgot your purse." he handed her the black purse and she grabbed it.

"Thank you!" she said and tried to let go of his hand holding her arm.

"_I love you_." he repeated, looking into her eyes.

"I know. But I gotta go." she walked away, eyes closed, shaking her head.

She just couldn't stay in that place any longer. She needed to get out of Brooklyn as soon as possible. She could go anywhere, since she got out of there.

She couldn't go to Blair's. _No_. She was her best friend but she wouldn't make her feel better. Not this time. She would just tell her the truth, and that's exactly what Serena didn't want to hear.

She could go to her mother's... No. How would she even explain what has happened? She also didn't want to face Rufus. He was Dan's father after all.

_Where to go? _

She didn't feel as homeless as she was feeling for a long time.

The streets were empty and it was weirdly cold to a summer night.

She spotted two men on the other side of the street. They were drunk. Serena was sure of it. She could tell by the way they were laughing and screaming.

"Hey you!" one of them said, walking towards her. "Are you lost, sweetheart?"

She stepped back and looked around. There was a taxi coming.

"Damn you, Brooklyn," she cursed. "Taxi!"

The car stopped and she opened the door and entered it.

"Where to, Miss?" the driver asked.

"The Empire." she answered, closing her eyes again and resting her head on the bench.

* * *

_**TahDah! Here it is chapter 3. I know I said I'd update last night but my CB/Chily/Chate feels didn't let me. And I actually needed to change some stuff. So, I know DS didn't end up in a very good place this chapter but I'll make it up to DS shippers. I have a few surprises for the next chapters, so wait and you'll see. Hope you liked it. And don't forget to review. **_  
_**Xoxo Daphne.**_


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